Wednesday, November 26, 2008

:The:Mission:Taco:Chapter 6:El Tonayense:

Every so often, life presents to you a joyous moment that is just so monumental, so epic, that you'll never forget it, EVER. Just reflect: maybe it was the first time you rode your bike without the assistance of your parents, or the first time you mustered up enough courage to actually go off the high dive during swimming lessons. Perhaps it was when you hit your first home run or scored your first goal. It might be your first crush, your first kiss, or your first love. Whatever memory comes to mind, think of the joy you felt at that precise moment. More than think about it, visualize it. Feel it. Imbibe it and be drunk with it. A heroin-like high. Sex on E. Now, take this feeling, multiply it by 2080, and you will have the feeling I felt after eating a carne asada taco at Taqueria El Tonayense. Fuck. Yes.

To write about this taco would be doing an injustice to El Tonayense, for the taco chefs at this top-notch taco establishment have produced a carne asada taco so grand in nature and so exquisite in flavor that neither words nor pictures can come remotely close to describing it. I can't even begin to sort my thoughts--I'm flooded with feelings, mixed with memories, erratic with emotions. But I will proceed with my feeble attempt to recount my experience, my love for the carne asada taco at Taqueria El Tonayense. I have no choice; :The:Mission:Taco: requires it.

For those skeptics and pessimists out there who don't believe in love at first sight, behold:


Now we all know I'm not particular to presentation. Looks are meaningless--"it's all about what's on the inside." But God DAMN this taco is sexy! The sultry reds of the salsa roja... the greens of the slender yet juicy pickled chiles... and those pearly white radishes just glistening, radiating on the plate. This taco has got the sex appeal of Sophia Loren in her prime, Angelina Jolie on any given day, and the finest Persian broad you know wrapped into one.
But I give you no points for good looks, Tonayense. It is your inner beauty which truly makes you shine.

One bite--that's all it takes. Take one bite of the carne asada taco: you're a little confused--the tortillas are flavor-full-of-corn, warmed to a perfection so that they're simultaneously soft and crispy. You are puzzled by the salsa roja. Is it sweet? Is it spicy? Is it smoky? The carne asada--a riddle wrapped in an enigma: it tastes like it's been pumped with flavorlicious fat, yet, paradoxically enough, there's no fat to be seen, not grease to be had. You are shocked. You are perplexed. You know you like it, you know it feels good. You have to keep going.

You take the second bite. Then, all of a sudden, nothing else matters. Blood starts flowing faster--you're salivating incessantly, heart beating faster, harder. Time and space are frozen and there's only you, a two-thirds eaten taco, and the music pounding out of the 21st century digital jukebox in the back of the room, except now instead of La Puerta Negra, it's playing Comptine D'un Autre Ete . The world could be ending outside the taqueria's doors but you wouldn't even care because you are so entrenched in the moment, so involved in the carnal consumption of the carne asada taco. You're now in a numb, zen-like state of pure harmony and bliss. The Dalai Lama ain't got shit on you.

Be nice, Tenzin.

You finish the taco off. You have to. You want to. You can't not. It's just too good. One last bite. Your lips are quivering. And then... it's over. You just had a tacorgasm.

The first time I had Tonayense's carne asada taco, I couldn't believe what I had experienced. I was in taco heaven. But was it just a dream? A fluke? An Imbruglian one-hit-wonder of some sorts? The only way to know for sure was to test it for consistency. I have redezvoused with Tonayense at least five times since my first soiree, and each time it's been just as good. Trust me: this is one taco you'll never get sick of eating out.

It must be restated: words do not do this taco justice. How dare I even attempt to review such a holy work of art. With the risk of insulting the taco Gods, I must continue with :The:Mission:Taco:--as there is just one piece left for this chapter in my endeavor. The rating. Well, if you haven't guessed already, the carne asada taco at Taqueria El Tonayense will have you screaming OH DIOS MIOS! ^_^ alllll night long! RAWR!

-The Taco Guru


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  2. Bravo. This post took me on a journey. The real question I have is: can this taco be topped?

  3. This taco most certainly can be topped--but only with salsa roja, a dash of lime, and a sprinkle of salt. Anything more would be committing a cardinal sin to carne.

    All jocularity aside, this taco may very well be able to be topped. But that is the goal of :The:Mission:Taco:--the constant search for the most perfect taco. :The:Mission: cannot stop--it has just begun.

  4. yay i love chapter six- your taco climax had me giggling :) now i'm determined to go here the next time i'm in town visiting my sister...

  5. Admittedly, the above description of Taqueria El Tonayense's carne asada taco sounds rather appealing. How could one not be intrigued by any relation to the likeness of "sex on E"? I will be forced to experience this taco anomaly first hand...

    With this said (and with due acknowledgment of this saga's splendor), one cannot help but wonder:

    "Is :The:Mission:Taco: racist against other taco genres?"

    I have yet to read any descriptions of fish or chicken (or dare I say vegetarian!?) tacos. As a lover and consumer of many types of meat, I am respectfully requesting that we not continue our prejudices against other taco ethnicities... after all, "Variety is the spice of life".

  6. I can't believe this blog hasn't been updated this year. What a lazy bum.