Tuesday, September 2, 2008

:The:Mission:Taco:Chapter 4:Taqueria Vallarta:

Dude, where's my taco?
Taqueria Vallarta!
Mmm biddy biddy num nums!

The above is an almost perfect taku* for an almost perfect taco. I really, really, REALLY wanted to give Taqueria Vallarta (http://www.yelp.com/biz/taqueria-vallarta-san-francisco) a rating of ¡Oh Dios Mios! ^_^, but I couldn't... I just couldn't.

It makes me wonder: can a taco so close to perfection, so damn delicious, really be topped? Is there even such a thing as a perfect taco? I don't know. I just... don't... know!!!#@%@#$^

Okay--so what exactly is it that makes Taqueria Vallarta's (tacos so tasty? Is it the pool of greasy goodness that the carne asada swim in? Or is it the taco man's mad taco skillz? Perhaps it's both. But I've done some extensive specimen analysis and self-observational studies and have come to the conclusion that Taqueria Vallarta tacos contain traceable amounts of methylbenzoylecgonine, otherwise known as crack. One should proceed with extreme caution when consuming these tacos, because along with being highly addictive, these tacos are cheap--only $1.50 a hit! The tacos also come from a taco stand placed near the front of the taqueria, thus allowing you to quickly and conveniently pay the dealer then proceed to your fix.

Crack corner.

Okay--but seriously--these tacos are legit. Firstly, the meat is quality--just take a couple bites and you'll taste the difference. Along with great quality comes great flavor, and Vallarta fully fills their carne asada with TONS of it. The crack marinade coupled with the grease bath creates a taste to the tongue unparalleled to any taco I've come upon in The Mission thus far. You could almost eat the taco sans salsa roja--but I wouldn't recommend it, for the salsa roja here is unreal.

Perhaps the pinnacle of perfection.

There's something very unique with what they do to the red sauce. It has this kind of smokey flavor that goes really well with the meat. Try it with just a chip and you'll see what I'm talking about. Please note that on the taco stand, there are three kinds of salsas: the orange one blows; the dark red one should go on the carne asada taco (obvi!); and if you are in the mood to try a pollo asada taco, the green one goes well with it. Also, you can top your taco with as much onion and cilantro as you want. Can't go wrong with that. And don't forget to grab some of the grilled onions. When the tacoman asks, "
¿Sea-boy-ah?", you say "Sea!" The grilled onions, along with the radishes, are a damn good addition to the taco. Just try it: take a bite of taco, then immediately take a bite of radish wrapped with the grilled onion--it's biddy biddy num nums!

So if the meat and the salsa roja are so super sabrosa, why did this taco not receive an
¡Oh Dios Mios! ^_^? They FUCKED up the tortillas! God dammit! Vallarta excels in all the difficult areas of taco construction, but they eff up on what I think is the easiest part to master: corn tortillas! It really is a bummer, because like I said, the tacos are almost perfect. Basically, the corn tortillas lack that burst of corn flavor, and the tortillas weren't grilled long enough. The result was that the juice from the carne asada dampens the tortilla and makes for a kind of soft texture. This is a no-no.

But, despite the corn tortilla mishap, the tacos still tasted amazing. Taqueria Vallarta tacos are ¡Que Bueno! :P -- I would come back here in a heartbeat. In fact ::itches tongue erratically:: I needz meh some tacos orita, way!!!

-The Taco Guru

*a taku, pronounced \ˈ-(ˌ)\, is a haiku tailored towards tacos.


  1. "for the salsa roja here in unreal." You're getting sloppy taco guru. In other news, I'm almost c'ing my p's. (creaming my pants) reading about this taco. Can't wait to get me some top shelf crack when I come up next time.

  2. mmmmmmmmmmm, crack taco, sounds scrumptious

  3. BING BONG! I agree with hoshewa on this one, this is the sloppiest post to date. That being said I can fully understand the state of mind the taco guru must have been in shortly after eating one of these amazing tacos. There is nothing better than a Vallarta taco after a fun night of visiting various libation distribution situations. Gnirly. Somehow this post hits the overall vibe of the place: sloppy, sloopy and delicious.

  4. sounds delicious. i expect to enjoy one of these crack tacos on my next visit. or just crack. or crack and the taco. either combination.